Happiness is a Warm Gun in the Hand of your Mother

This weekend was the big yearly get-together we have down at my uncle's farm in central Illinois. Nothing but cornfields surround a beautiful little farmette (that means he doesn't actually farm it) where around 20 of my immediate family gathered to eat lots of food, drink plenty of liquor, and of course, shoot off as many firearms as possible.

My family? Closeted gun freaks? Apparently it's true. There were more weapons available this weekend than at a Charlton Heston garage sale.

If only I had left home earlier, I could have made it down there to shoot off some myself. But being the pussy liberal that I am, I shot the pictures instead.

Apparently the real reason the guns were so prevalent is so Step-Dave could take some humorous pictures for his yearly calendar project (Midwestern MILFs with Semi-Automatics!), but I think I know the real reason.

I believe my rather conservative family is preparing for a potential Kerry presidential election victory and has decided to start their own militia. Come November 3rd, I know I'm going to receive a simple message from Jim and Bob:



"You're either with us, or against us."





Figuring that the only other Democrat in the family has already been "taken care of," I imagine I'll have to choose either Family or Freedom under a Blue Moon.

While I'm sure my life holed up as a member of the McLean Militia will be full of homemade french fries, discussion of celebrity nudity, and the occasional standoff with the FBI, I don't know if I'm cut out for such a life. The bands I like don't play Bloomington all that much. And even though there are now about 27 bedrooms in Jim's compound, I can't seem to fall asleep very well while I'm there.

So instead I will be sundered from my relatives, and my only contact with them will be the occasional note from my mother, smuggled north in a shipment of homemade Chicken and Noodles:

"All is well here, but the Feds recently cut off our satellite dish connection. Grandma and I are ready to revolt soon as we have been unable to watch "All My Children" for the past three weeks. If you're VCR works, I beg of you: tape 'AMC' for us!"

More pictures at My Buzznet site.