Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Santa's Labyrinth

For my sister, on her birthday. She's been pestering me to finish this for weeks, and since I'm more or less trapped inside all day due to the snow falling outside my window, I decided to finally write this. Apologies to David Sedaris--there are several echoes of "The Santaland Diaries" in this piece. Consider this the version from the visitor's point of view.


A complete set of pictures from this day can be found here.
I highly recommend watching the Slide Show of the pictures--it tells just as good of a story.


Every year my sister brings her family up for Thanksgiving, and every year we make the trek into Chicago to have lunch and to see the window displays at Macy’s Department Store.

And, of course, to see Santa.

This is the part that I am usually excused from attending. While they wait in the hour-plus line to visit Santa, I walk east to Millennium Park to take pictures and get a little air.

This year, however, I stayed with them, mostly because I couldn’t leave my sister with three young children in that place on her own. And the line seemed short, so I figured this wouldn’t be as bad as I remembered.

When the woman came rushing out of the entrance to Santa’s Cottage asking for a doctor is when I knew I had made a mistake.

It all looks simple enough, from the outside. The line snaking through the toy section, kids excited and patient. But then you cross through the gateway, and you leave behind the comfort of high ceilings and bright lights, and you enter something dark and dangerous.

Synthesized carols compete with a constant beeping and clonking as the sounds ricochet through the narrow Tudor-like hallways. Someone bangs on a xylophone off in the distance. Flashing lights illuminate strange images of warped pine trees and bicycles suspended from the ceiling. At one point a stuffed cat with a look of pure terror appears in a small window, pleading to be released from its eternal prison.

The line moves slower than usual. The failing economy has probably forced Macy’s to cut back on the number of Santas they keep tucked away inside the labyrinth. My nephew repeatedly brushes his hand against a woman’s ass, but when she turns around, she sees only me standing behind her.

Pinwheels and plastic gears spin as the children reach their breaking point, and the tenuous social order in our line starts to break down.





It all seems created by people who don’t really understand Christmas, and the high decorated walls disguise the fact that we are moving in a nightmare, creeping forward to the next turn, only to discover yet another passageway of blinking lights and guitar-playing teddy bears.

At one point the paramedics wheel out an elderly man wrapped in a blanket, undoubtedly faking a stroke in order to escape the task of shepherding his grandchildren through this never-ending maze of mental torture.

Santa’s visage peers from the face of a clock, the long hand spinning madly, reminding all of us that time has no meaning here, that we are completely in his power.

Then, we finally reach the end, the place where the line stops and you are escorted to a small waiting room while a polite woman asks for your picture order. Everyone breathes easily again. The kids nervously peer around the corner, realizing that He’s in the next room.

And you turn that corner, and there he is. Sitting in a high-backed chair, next to a fireplace and a Christmas tree. Gentle, soft-spoken, welcoming. And even though I know otherwise, and I know there are a few other rooms just like this around the corner, I also know that He Is Santa, and I understand why we wander through the labyrinth every year.


The kids take their turns telling Santa what they want this year. I stand off to the side, as my cynicism falls away, and silently tell Santa what I want that year for Christmas. That most precious thing that I keep deep in my heart, that I long for so badly, that I want for him to be able to give it to me.

We spend some time looking at the windows outside the old Marshall Field and Company, disappointed in them once again. They haven’t been as good since Macy’s took over.

We walk to the park and eat lunch, and the girls stare longingly at the ice skaters, circling around and around, as the sun disappears behind the tall buildings. I imagine them pondering their brief moment before Santa, wondering what will be awaiting them on Christmas morning, wondering if he will be able to make their dreams come true.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Iran So Far

SNL got into some trouble this week for making fun of New York's blind governor, David Patterson. Fred Armisen was pretty hilarious as Patterson, but it's another clip of Armisen that I just can't get enough of. I don't know how I missed it, but below is one of Andy Samberg's Digital Shorts, and it's a love letter to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Not nearly as perfect as "Roy Rules!", or as well-known as "Lazy Sunday" or "Dick in a Box," but it's worth it just to see the goofy-ass face on Fred Armisen throughout the clip. And you get to hear "Avril 14" as well, which is my favorite tune to listen to when I'm feeling like a depressed little girl.




I can't figure out how to make the embedded clip bigger, but if you click the wee little square in the upper-right corner, you should be able to make it go full screen. Or just go to hulu.com and watch it in better quality.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Chicago is the New Black

So how cool is Chicago?

Well, you got Barack Obama, natch.

And The Dark Knight was filmed here, so we've got the whole Home of Batman and Gotham City thing.

We might get the Olympics. And even though they totally collapsed during the playoff, we are the home of the Cubs.

Oh yeah, and of course Governor Blagojevich was taken from his North Side home this morning on massive corruption charges. What a douchebag.

And we have Oprah, too.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Once Upon a Time...

I spent part of today reading a small book called Once Upon a Time in the North, another one of Philip Pullman's novellas that accompany his great, great masterpiece His Dark Materials.
I was sitting in the chair in which I always read, upstairs, puzzling over an awkward bit of dialogue transition, and noticed that the pages suddenly went from 24 to 41. Well this doesn't make any sense, I thought. But the book, and Lyra's Oxford, which came before it, tend to be a bit playful and puzzle-like, so maybe this was done on purpose?

Nope. Just a printing error. And so I drove up the road to my local Borders to do an even swap. They were pretty cool about it, even though I had long since lost the receipt. I bought the book over a month ago, but hadn't gotten around to reading it until today.

What a pity, because it's just wonderful. Lyra's Oxford didn't really stay with me, but North is excellent. A short story set years before the main events of HDM, it describes how Lee Scoresby and Iorek Byrnison first meet in a small Arctic town. Great sense of place, and mood, and there isn't a paragraph wasted.

Yes, Scoresby is a Texan aeronaut that flies around in a hot-air balloon, and Iorek is a talking polar bear, but it's really a Western. Lots of talk about shifty fellows dressed in black, and Winchester rifles, and honor, and pretty ladies.

It's a perfect example of why Pullman is such a great writer. He writes with such ease and perfection, has such a sense of story, and above all knows how to create a sense of believability in his books. It reminds me why fantasy can be such a great genre in which to tell a memorable story.

I wish I could say the same for the final volume in Cornelia Funke's Inkheart trilogy, Inkdeath.

Inkheart was introduced to me by a student of mine around five years ago, when it was first published, and since then it has become a central part of my reading teachings. I'm reading it aloud to my students right now. A great book about books, and the power of stories to draw us in and make their worlds seem real.

Inkheart involved fantasy characters who are drawn out of their book into our real world, and had a great time detailing how the villains of the book had little problem taking to guns and black suits. Or how anti-hero Dustfinger is continually frightened and baffled by our world's preponderance of cars and lights and noise.

There was a sequel, Inkspell, which came out a while ago, and which I read, but I really don't remember a whole lot about it. It dealt mostly with the fantasy Inkworld only briefly mentioned in the first novel, and Inkdeath stays with the magic world throughout its 600-plus pages.

And it's a long 6oo pages. Funke gets way too wrapped up in her invented world, and throws over a hundred characters at you, most of which you can't keep track of, and that you really don't care a whole lot about. And she gives several of the main characters multiple names, which adds to the confusion. There's the Milksop, the Silver Prince, The Piper, The Adderhead, Orpheus, and Cheeseface, who are villains in the book, and yet are only two or three people in total.

It's a shame, because Inkheart was great, but Inkdeath just represents everything that can go wrong with fantasy fiction: an over-reliance on the details of "the world," too many characters, too much "magic" and too much use of magic to revive characters from the dead. (See NBC's Heroes for further examples.)

Funke wrote another great novel called The Thief Lord, set in modern-day Venice. It's a great example of a book that understands its setting, and even though I've never been there, I feel like I know Venice so much better after reading the book. (Pullman also does the same with the fictional Novy Odense.)

But I never felt like I understood the Inkworld like I understood Lyra's Oxford, or Middle Earth, or Mos Eisley. It had the generic quality of a Renaissance Fair held in southern Wisconsin. It just collapsed under the weight of too many characters and not enough story.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Eli is Coming*

Last night I dreamt that I was in a bar, and they let you smoke there. And Wilco was opening up for Van Morrison on the stage.

Then I went to a company member meeting of the House Theatre.

Yep, that's pretty much what I dream about these days.

*This doesn't have anything to do with the dream I had last night, but it is the episode of Sports Night that I watched last night. It usually means that you think something bad is going to happen, but you don't know what.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Oh, The Tiredness of Me

Woke up this morning not feeling any better, and so I called for a sub and dragged myself to work to create sub plans. Two hours later I was back in bed, where I stayed, asleep, until almost two in the afternoon. On Saturday I was in bed until almost five pm, so whatever I have, sleep seems to be the only remedy.

When I finally got out of bed my throat was better and I had the energy and focus to write a bit. Worked on The Mystery Play for a good couple of hours and now I'm staring at twenty decent pages. There's still a lot to do, but it's a good start. It only has to be about an hour in length, so if I can get to about 40 pages or so by the end of this weekend I'll be happy.

It started out being about stories, and growing up, and leaving a part of childhood behind. Nancy Drew and the mystery genre was going to be the focal point, but that got ditched after a weekend session working out some of the story with Mal.

Now Peter Pan seems to have become a major character. I suppose if you're going to do a play about growing up, and about classic stories, Peter Pan has to show up eventually, right? It doesn't feel too terribly original right now, but as a story it's holding together nicely. We'll see how it turns out.